Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Ole' Oak Tree...
So, here we are class of 96! Twenty years in the future! "Where are you now?" they'll ask!...and Although that's not so easy an answer sometimes..we'll all gather 'round and remember the good ole' days and it wont matter where we are now or how far apart we are..or how many different directions we went...It'll only matter that we're all together again! :)
I've debated for a long time whether or not to share what I'm about to share with all of you. However, I think it will not only be good for me, but also be good for others who may in some way relate to feeling a little out of place at an upcoming reunion or visit home. So, in the spirit of encouraging others who may need it, I'm making a confession today: I've avoided coming home for a long time. NOT because I don't miss the heck out of all of you or my family..but mainly because of my own personal fears. I do often miss my hometown..but I haven't really stopped long enough to let that sink in. However, over the past few months it has..and I'm homesick for the first time in a looong time!
............................So, why am I having such a hard time coming home then?
I guess the real truth is..I haven't really felt like myself since this disease has taken its toll on my body..and I guess I haven't really wanted people to see me like I am now. Most of you know my medical situation..but you haven't seen it first hand. You've seen cropped Facebook photos..and smiles showing no teeth..You haven't seen the missing and blackened teeth when I talk and smile in person..or the extra bloating on my body from constantly being sick. So, truthfully..I'm embarrassed. When one goes home for the first time in a LONG time..you tend to want the people you grew up with to see you at your best! I kept hoping all my issues would be resolved before returning home so that I could be my best..but because of insurance and other medical complications, that hasn't happened yet. ...and Since I can barely keep up my social life here at home because of my wavering self esteem...the thought of going home scares me even more! ..To see the ones you love and grew up with for the first time in years..the ones whose families you enjoy seeing and keeping up with on Facebook..the ones you want to think well of you the most...For those cherished ones, you want them to see you at your best...and that's just really hard for me at the moment...because I don't feel my best.
I guess the real truth is..I haven't really felt like myself since this disease has taken its toll on my body..and I guess I haven't really wanted people to see me like I am now. Most of you know my medical situation..but you haven't seen it first hand. You've seen cropped Facebook photos..and smiles showing no teeth..You haven't seen the missing and blackened teeth when I talk and smile in person..or the extra bloating on my body from constantly being sick. So, truthfully..I'm embarrassed. When one goes home for the first time in a LONG time..you tend to want the people you grew up with to see you at your best! I kept hoping all my issues would be resolved before returning home so that I could be my best..but because of insurance and other medical complications, that hasn't happened yet. ...and Since I can barely keep up my social life here at home because of my wavering self esteem...the thought of going home scares me even more! ..To see the ones you love and grew up with for the first time in years..the ones whose families you enjoy seeing and keeping up with on Facebook..the ones you want to think well of you the most...For those cherished ones, you want them to see you at your best...and that's just really hard for me at the moment...because I don't feel my best.
However, aside from being sick and my many medical adventures, I am SO happy with my life...I have a wonderful husband..we have a beautiful home..wonderful jobs..food on the table...and I have NO problems coming to my reunion on those terms...I CANNOT WAIT for all of you to meet my Hubby!! I want to show him off at every chance! I also cannot wait for you to meet my Adopted Family!
I've been so blessed with many things in my life..but most of them are not related to materialism..but that's okies because obtaining a materialistic lifestyle wasn't my goal anyway! So, coming home to compare material things doesn't make me uncomfortable at all. I know there are some of you who have been so very successful in business and money..and There are some of you who have huge beautiful families and wonderful down home values that are so very precious and rare in this world..and There are even some of you that have ALL those things..and ALL of that is SO WONDERFUL!! I see all of your stories and your families..and I am SO very proud to have grown up with ALL of you!! I don't have too much..but honestly It wouldn't matter to me if I lived in a cardboard box...I would show off pictures of my cardboard box with pride...because I am really proud and really happy with everything I've accomplished and all the wonderful Friends and Family I've met in this life I've been blessed with! Even if it's not the traditional definition of "successful"...I sincerely feel successful and so very blessed! So, unlike most people who fear their success will not measure up to those they grew up with, for me, coming home to compare success is not at all the problem..the problem is that I'm just SOO uncomfortable in my own skin...and that's new for me..I know what you're thinking..and yes..I grew up being different...and while that was challenging at many many points in my life...it's never been something that has stopped me. So, imagine how silly I feel that being 3ft 7 hasn't really stopped me from living and achieving a good life..yet a snaggle-toothed grin has stopped me completely in my tracks...preventing me from living life to the fullest! Unfortunately, I believe that society sees bad teeth as much more degrading than being a little person..but failing teeth is NOT simply just a sign of poor hygiene, healthcare, or hillbilly status, it is a byproduct of many illnesses.. So, it makes me angry at myself that I can get over being a little person, but I cannot get over a little extra weight (even tho I've NEVER in my life been "skinny" b/c of the way I'm made) and having missing and failing teeth.
I'm a person who loves..loves...LOVES to smile...despite the pain and hardship life can throw at you...and I haven't been able to smile comfortably in a long time. I want SO much to smile when I see all of you! I want to believe that it wont matter how I look..I miss my hometown friends..but I want to be confident in myself..and be able to present myself as such..and I'm struggling a great deal with that...If you knew my life and my friends here...you would know that I have also backed away from my social life here as well...Yes, being in extra pain and being sick has a lot to do with it..but the other half is just me...me not feeling like me...and I'm praying and trying SO hard to overcome that...I just want people to see me...it doesn't have to be a perfect me...but I want them to see me..and I just feel that how I look right now gets in the way of that. I really think this must sound silly to all of you coming from someone who has fought her entire life to not be seen differently...one who constantly testifies to others NOT to let how you look get in the way of how you live...that you can overcome no matter what life throws at you! But hey, I'm NOT perfect..I have to fight those down in the dumps urges too! I guess I've learned to deal with being little..but not being able to smile has hurt me so much more so that it has made me withdraw more than I ever thought I would. BUT!!!! I am SOOO blessed to have wonderful, understanding Friends and Family that have pulled me back into my life lately..and have taken the time to remind me of who I am..and what I'm missing out on.
Since I'm not perfect, this is one of those times where I'm having to push myself forward when I'm terrified to move...but I know that this happens to everyone every now and again..and I DO know one thing..I'll get through it...I always do because I know God is with me..and I know that all of you are too!
It may be a long time before I'm able to get the surgery I need to get all of this resolved...a long time before I'm able to smile again..So, I've agonized over this a great deal. I have prayed and I have poured my heart out to my friends and family hoping for some good advice and resolution..and it's because of their encouragement that I'm sharing this with all of you now...
It's also why I've rescheduled my Surgery for October 14th..and made official plans to come home this week to my High School Class of 96 Homecoming Reunion...I wish I could go to each and every one of you and tell you how much you mean to me..How Happy I am for all of you! How thankful I am to have grown up with all of you! We lived together, loved together, played together, fought together, made mistakes together..and although little kids can be cruel...When we all hit High School I felt like you treated me as you would have anyone else...and I appreciate that more than you know! It's also why I want to be my very best for all of you when I see you! I want you to know that ALL of you played a part and helped make me who I am..and I'm so thankful...because I could have been many things..but who I am is someone I'm proud of..and who I am allows me to help and encourage others..and SO much of that is because of you...Plus..anyone of you could have stepped on me at anytime...but you didn't..and if that's not love..I dunno what is! :P ..I will always be so very blessed I am apart of the Buna Class of 96!
Moral of the story? Don't let what people MAY think of you stop you from doing the things you love. Your real Friends will see you for who you are...the question is..and the hard part is...will you allow yourself to see who you are...or continue to let something else or society's view define you...Don't waste your moments..I'm sick and down a great deal of the time..so when I do have moments where I'm able to enjoy life...I need and want to live those moments to the fullest! From this point on I promise to do better..I know that my Friends, Family, and MOST importantly, God have all got my back...I can do all things because of my Faith and the love you've all given me!!
...So, Buna Tx...Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Ole' Oak Tree...Wittle Wells is coming home!! Can't wait to see all of you!
Love Always,
Sommer
AKA:
Sommer W
Wittle Wells